little did he know

once again.


i am filled with distress.
over nothing at all.
it all piles high. high to the heavens and it all rests on my chest.
nothing i do is soild
nothing is wholesome.
i hvae no idea at all what anything is.
i have no clue what life is
besides the same games we have taught ourselves to play so well.
we play them on each other but mostly ourselves.
i never have feelt loss
untill this moment.
in this time i feel i once had everything in my hands
friends of the true manner
a future of bright circumstances.
and endless possiblities.
currently many of my friends that do indeed count have moved away,
many more are getting married.
the rest are intwined into relationships of the seriouse sort.
i have done nothing with 21 years of life, besides attend a fair amount of life experiences i have gathered in my little coin purse of life. and fallen in and way out of loves i thought were to be true.
and my possiblities of my old dreams have slipped out of my grasp.

i used to dream of marriage, love, family, college degrees, jobs, and travel.
now i dream of paying my bills. maybe someday getting motavated enough to actually go to school, and meeting someone who could at least try to understand the burns on my heart which have left me feeling that marriage is nothing but a binding agreement given to us by our government. and the face of the matter that i can not even bind my own soul down, nor could you.

at times i think my eyes have been opened. like nothing is everything and everything is nothing. we are apart of a machine in which has grown to the point that we are spinning out of controll. which is increadibly unsettling to a meak minded person as myself.

i miss affection. i want to be adored and to actually desirve it. i do want love. but i no longer want the half assed love that i have recived in return. i am worth more than the nickles and dimes i have recived.

i think extravagent thoughts of new lives i may have. but in reality.
i will probably stay near.
i ahve no developed talent.
i have no ambition.
and no desire to put myself out there.

i have many friends.
but no one to really talk to
to get advise from.
my relationships are reduced to half assed relationships
awkward encounters, or 20 min phone calls.

yet this is life.
welcome to the real world.

past pictures

here is some old stuff i love.

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two of my favorite people! they live in jordan now they are truly not living in fear! this is jeff and jessy's one year anniversay pictures. we laughed, climbed trees, danced in soy bean feilds, and sweated out doors for not long enough. i love you two god speed over seas!

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this one was taken in march. and it is simply saying thank god i have a toilet! i have it all/

                       

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 i met her when i started working at

starbucks. 

this was the most awkward engagment session ever! but we ended upo with good choices, laughs, and food in our bellys!

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possible my favorite picture i have taken.

i took this last winter while enjoying a bath. i realized how shitty my moms bathroom was, how many things a broken missing and molding. but... we never noticed...well we noticed but it didn't matter, our water still ran just fine! : to this day the bathroom is a peice of shi

t, another testiment to why i love my mother so much.

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one day i was sad. really sad. it was a month before everything in my life gave way. sort of the calm before the storm. so one really really REALLY cold day i went to a lake in pekin. and just took pictures. it got cut short beacuse i was trespassing but it relieved my heart for that moment enough to make it worth it.... last april.

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this was one of our last walks together as a group. this is ode to shitass. a time in my life where everything and absolutly nothing made since. end of spring 2008

how do we ever get to where we are?

frustrating!!!!

that is what the end of january and begining of febuary always are for me.

i hate these months. it feels like my body has been surrounded by cold for so long, yet i still have to endure it for two more months. i used to enjoy the snow. the whole reason i loved the mountains so much was beacuse of it. My step mom would make me watch the snow fall for her just so i could fall in love with that part of nature... and i did. it was all goose bumps and magic when i was a little girl. but now, now it is bitter, cold, and grey. i am tired of feeling grey. inside and out.

I am doing so many random things lately leading up to potentialy nothing...or everything. i have decided (in my lonely grey state) that there is nothing to fear in this world. one may say i am completly wrong, but really what is there? you have to be fearless to do anything. i can not fear money. you can not fear your past. we can not fear anyone. we say we have priorities and obligations but at least in our age ( the twenty somethings of the world) there are none, sure bills family friends... but lets get the fuck over it. i am over it! i love everyone in my life, and so many have done so much for me beyond words i could express. but  i am over having all of my ties...my fears hold me back. the time has come my furry friends to throw caution to the wind and simply live, well simply. 

and as much as i want to, i am still here now, in a city surrounded by farms and wanna- be's. but that is ok right now, it is time to reflect. on everything that has made my eyes this open. everything that still has my eyes closed so tightly. today is not really a story... just a thought. do not plan. do not fear. do not not live.

lonely lonely lonely

martin luther king jr memorial march

Today i woke up with full intentions to just finish my book. I slept in, which for me meant around 9:30 a.m. I went downstairs, sat on my couch and began to read. No soon am i a paragraph into my day and half way through my coffee cup do my room mates Drew and Beth run downstairs. They invited me to the 24th annual MLK march in peoria...I am in. So friends this entry is about my monday. The monday i celebrated an amazing man in history with fellow people of my city. The monday i met amazing people in my very own neighborhood.  The monday before Obama will be offically placed into office. The monday i saw people from my city join together in joy for what this MLK day represented and the meaning of the day that will follow. 2009 has been the most astonishing year yet. 

to begin

hello!

this is all very new to me so consider this an introduction of sorts...

Cameron Beth Johnston. that is my title. 

I am nothing special.

I have made poor choices for my life.

and am recently realizing that they have made me who i am.

i am accepting my individuality...FINALLY!

i am no longer planning or fearing things...

i still fear i am human, god, i still plan too. but i am trying not to

i have created this to document my life.

my new life.

cameron's life. 

the people in it.

the places i see.

the choices i make.

i want to talk so i will talk on here.

i hope you will like it.

i will show you pictures

i will make you apart of my daily life.

i will show you that we as humans can relate to absolutly anyone no matter whom they may be.

thank you for reading.