little did he know

once again.


i am filled with distress.
over nothing at all.
it all piles high. high to the heavens and it all rests on my chest.
nothing i do is soild
nothing is wholesome.
i hvae no idea at all what anything is.
i have no clue what life is
besides the same games we have taught ourselves to play so well.
we play them on each other but mostly ourselves.
i never have feelt loss
untill this moment.
in this time i feel i once had everything in my hands
friends of the true manner
a future of bright circumstances.
and endless possiblities.
currently many of my friends that do indeed count have moved away,
many more are getting married.
the rest are intwined into relationships of the seriouse sort.
i have done nothing with 21 years of life, besides attend a fair amount of life experiences i have gathered in my little coin purse of life. and fallen in and way out of loves i thought were to be true.
and my possiblities of my old dreams have slipped out of my grasp.

i used to dream of marriage, love, family, college degrees, jobs, and travel.
now i dream of paying my bills. maybe someday getting motavated enough to actually go to school, and meeting someone who could at least try to understand the burns on my heart which have left me feeling that marriage is nothing but a binding agreement given to us by our government. and the face of the matter that i can not even bind my own soul down, nor could you.

at times i think my eyes have been opened. like nothing is everything and everything is nothing. we are apart of a machine in which has grown to the point that we are spinning out of controll. which is increadibly unsettling to a meak minded person as myself.

i miss affection. i want to be adored and to actually desirve it. i do want love. but i no longer want the half assed love that i have recived in return. i am worth more than the nickles and dimes i have recived.

i think extravagent thoughts of new lives i may have. but in reality.
i will probably stay near.
i ahve no developed talent.
i have no ambition.
and no desire to put myself out there.

i have many friends.
but no one to really talk to
to get advise from.
my relationships are reduced to half assed relationships
awkward encounters, or 20 min phone calls.

yet this is life.
welcome to the real world.